Karla's Preaching Pages

From Karla to all Parents

KARLA'S PREACHING PAGE

ON SETTING LIMITS

One of the most important and most difficult tasks of parenting is setting clear limits for your child. Many parents come into my office and report that setting limits is not so hard but consistently reinforcing them is REALLY HARD.

Parents often feel that they do not have enough hours with their children and so the potential of creating a conflict becomes an all too difficult proposition. So, from my heart and from the experience and knowledge I have accumulated in the first half of my life this is what I believe:

PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE, ALWAYS, OF YOUR CHILD'S INDIVIDUAL NEEDS AND STAGE OF GROWTH.

Sometimes a five-year old can be trusted to cross the street alone and no two-year old should.

Sometimes unusual behavior has to be tolerated because of exceptional circumstances.

Special stress-situations require additional leeway in setting limits.

PICK YOUR LIMITS CAREFULLY

The number of limits you set will depend on your own family's values and standards. Keep in mind to set only necessary limits. In my family those have to do with the safety and health of the child and the protection of property and rights of others.

Offer modeling and support for your child's sometimes-strong feelings. Too many rules surely interfere with the child's need for activity and learning and may damage a child's spontaneous creativity.

The ultimate goal is for your child to accept the rules you set as a part of Self-discipline not to anxiously wait for the day that's/he "can do as s/he wants".

BE CLEAR AND SPECIFIC

A limit should be expressed by telling a child EXACTLY what is acceptable and what choices are available." You may not throw your pizza plate because you don't like anchovies but you can pick the anchovies off and next time I will be sure not to have them again."

A limit should be total rather than partial. A vague statement leaves most children confused and unclear:

" You may splash her a little bit but don't get her all wet." This criterion is leaving way too much room for personal interpretation.

A limit should always point out the function of an object or of the limit itself: " You may not use my computer without me saying o.k."

" A chair is for sitting on, not for standing on." " This toy belongs to___ and we did not ask to bring it home."

BE RESPECTFUL OF FEELINGS

When a child makes an unreasonable request that we must deny, we can at least acknowledge an understanding of having a wish for it.

Just because YOU feel a rule is necessary does not mean your child has to feel the same way. Please do not challenge your child's self-respect. "It is bedtime", is far more healthy then "You're way too little to stay up this late. Go to bed".

EXPECT COMPLAINTS

Most of our children are simply geniuses when it comes to reading your intentions. If you fully expect compliance with your limits, you will get it. If it is possible to keep pushing, they will. Make your statement in a no-nonsense way: " I need you to ", or " it's your turn to.."

Limits provide security and guidance and ultimately make a child feel much more secure because they KNOW what the expectations are.

A FINAL SUGGESTION

I recommend that ALL parents borrow or buy a copy of the book 1-2-3- magic. The success with the techniques described in the book are phenomenal.