Karla's Preaching Pages

On weapons and war play

Many parents today, especially those with little boys are struggling with issues around weapons and war play. In these violent times we are often distressed by our children's fascination with these things. Let me share with you, from my heart how I see this based on my education, my own experience as a mother and on many years of working with children.

First, I know that children under the age of 8 do not have a way to understand the finality of death or the literal meaning of killing. Watch the children playing their games and you will soon see that a "bad" guy who "gets killed" can just as quickly "get alive" with the magical words "I fixed him". Clearly children mean something different by their shooting and killing than we adults do.

Young children look upon adults and older peers as enormously capable and powerful. By comparison, they are little and less in control of their own bodies and their world. Inside they are working on this. Their developmental task is to develop a sense of initiative. This means the ability to do things and to have an effect on the world.

Our children with their pirate costumes and superhero capes are creating inner worlds in which they are powerful and able to control their own fates. This role-playing has nothing to do with causing pain and human suffering.

Play is a child's work. And in a child's play he acts out what is being worked on inside. It is common for parents to recognize strong will, anger and self-determination. It is not always easy to recognize how little and vulnerable and frightened and frustrated our children also are. Many times bravado hides these feelings. Children need to feel heroic and capable and their play helps them do this.

When you listen to children you often hear them give their own voice to both the hero and the bad guy. It seems to me they are working on the complex problem of things inside that they are not comfortable with-anger and fear. Children operate on a primitive level. Why negotiate with an inner monster if you can just blow it up and get rid of it?

A child needs to play these feelings out and when they get projected onto other children at school or at home, they need an adult's help to cope. We can help children work through their frustrations. We can listen to their side and help them negotiate. If they get stuck we can offer them ideas of what might help and above all we can remind them that in real conflict hurting and bullying always cause pain and do not produce win-win solutions.

I do not feel terribly alarmed when I hear our oldest children say they like war and fighting. I trust that as they grow older they will "get it" that people are not only either bad guys or good guys and that the world is more complex.

Children learn through imitation. Repeated images of violence on television or adults yelling or hitting as a way of working through conflict model poor solutions.

If your objection to war play is based on non-violence examine the model you present to your children: do you spank them or yell at them?

I recommend you respect your child's need for spontaneous play, be very selective about the toys you choose, make rules for group play as we do at school and help your child to become an adult capable of making peace.